What is love? Is it the feeling that makes our hearts flutter and weakens our knees? It’s a question that has puzzled the greatest of thinkers for centuries. We feel love towards our partners, friends and family, and sometimes even ourselves. It’s a magical feeling that can’t be easily explained, but we can’t help but wonder – what is it really? Are there different types of love? What is unconditional love? And what is the opposite of love? Is it hate, indifference, or something else entirely?
When it comes to romantic love, it’s common to experience a rollercoaster of emotions, from the initial honeymoon phase to frustration and irritation as the relationship progresses. So why can’t we always experience smooth sailing and pure love? Why do we have to deal with these annoying irritations and other frustrations? It’s like love is purposely complicated.
I’ve been on a lifelong mission to find answers to these deceptively simple questions. And, after going through several long-term relationships, I’m finally getting closer to uncovering the ultimate answer. But, of course, it hasn’t been easy – I’ve faced my fair share of challenges. From feeling frustrated and angry to being impatient and struggling to communicate effectively, I’ve experienced all the typical relationship issues that most people encounter.
During my quest to define love, I have gone through two spiritual experiences, which helped me to get closer to the answer to what love really is. The first experience was in Findhorn Foundation in 1997 during a 2-week Conflict Facilitation training led by Ben Fuchs at the time. Conflicts were things I certainly was avoiding at that time as my family background was so challenging. So I decided to try to tackle the problem and booked this workshop. It was certainly a great choice, a life-changing choice indeed. We did intensive process work, and Ben demonstrated how in the end, it is all about how we communicate. Using non-judgemental and non-violent communication is one key how to tackle the problem. Using observations rather than judgements can help a lot in any situation.
In my never-ending quest to understand love, I’ve had a couple of spiritual experiences that have brought me closer to the answer. The first experience was at the Findhorn Foundation in ’97 when I signed up for a 2-week Conflict Facilitation training led by the only Ben Fuchs. Given my challenging family background, conflict resolution was not my forte at the time, but I was determined to face my demons head-on.
The workshop was intense, and Ben showed us how everything boils down to communication. Using non-judgmental and non-violent language is vital to solving problems, and focusing on observations instead of judgements can make all the difference in the world. It was a truly transformative experience that opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and relating to others.
Halfway through the workshop, I was still very stuck with myself; I was really frustrated. I spoke about this with Ben, and he suggested having a quick private session with him which sounded like a great idea. When we had that session, I had the first realisation in my life that myself is the only thing that really prevents me from fulfilling my life fully. I am keeping myself in prison – not anyone else. This was a huge realisation to me at the time. This realisation was so powerful that I actually went into a space of unconditional love for two days. I felt one with everything, and healing energy flowed from my hands non-stop. I could not concentrate on the workshop on those days; interestingly, I also did not have to eat or drink anything for a few days. When I walked in the forest, I felt one with all the trees and anything that was there. It was amazing. It certainly was an awakening. Then I gradually landed back to my body, and life became more normal. I had experienced oneness, and I felt how everything is interconnected. Everything is just the same one being.
Halfway through the workshop, I was feeling super stuck and frustrated. So I talked to Ben about it, and he suggested a quick one-on-one session, which was a total game-changer. During that session, I had a significant epiphany: I was the only thing holding me back from living my best life. I kept myself locked up in a prison of my own making. It was a huge realisation, and it profoundly impacted me.
In fact, the impact was so powerful that I entered a state of unconditional love that lasted for a couple of days. I felt totally at one with everything, and healing energy flowed out of me like crazy. I was so in the flow that I didn’t need to eat or drink anything for days!
Walking in the forest, I felt one with all the trees and everything around me. It was a mind-blowing and ultimately life-changing experience. I experienced oneness, and I realised that everything is interconnected. It was like I was seeing the world through an entirely new lens.
My personal relationships were, however, not very conflict-free after that. There was still a lot of growing to do on my path. I had, however, now a reference point, a memory of oneness, but I was still unable to go back there even if I tried. I had lost the oneness and few years on, experienced a lot of depression as I felt so separate from the source.
Then in 2012, when I started getting deeper into my shamanic path, I travelled in Peru for 6 months. I participated in a Shamanic ritual in the Andean highlands near the Amazon jungle as part of that journey. This ritual was my initiation to the power of Mother Ayahuasca. As I had read from Jeremy Narby’s fantastic book “Cosmic Serpent: DNA and the Origins of Knowledge” this medicine plant can create compelling hallucinations. Still, the process can also facilitate deep spiritual healing if the ritual is performed in a scared and safe way. The Shaman running this ritual worked with a small group of healers and musicians, facilitating the sacred ceremony. So it felt right for me to join, and I was excited.
However, I was suddenly really afraid on the morning of the ritual. Am I going to lose my mind? Will I ever come back? I nearly decided not to do it at all as I was suddenly so nervous. I looked into the runes, and to my amazement, I did get a clear Yes from my rune set. I got the Rune Ior upright, which can also be seen to represent Mother Ayahuasca, as she really is a powerful feminine spirit. She really teaches about the real feminine power. So even the Runes did not give me a reason to escape, so I just then had to go, but I was still resistant and nervous.
The evening got darker, and we were in this small building near the jungle, and it was time to drink. We were told to drink the medicine quickly and then lie down and rest. We were told not to resist and just let go, to surrender to the Mother. Purging was also expected, so we had buckets next to us ready to be in service.
Then I just waited. Waited. I started seeing colourful visual patterns when I closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes, the visuals stopped. I thought, excellent, I can control this experience just by keeping my eyes open. I felt more tired, though, and my eyes kept closing. I kept opening my eyes, trying to stop the patterns, and then I started losing my ability to track if my eyes were really closed or open. When I had my eyes closed, I thought they were open. I was starting to lose control completely and started feeling really uncomfortable. I decided to keep control as I did not want to lose myself.
Then I saw a fractal clown appearing before me, just laughing at me. I told her I could control this, as you cannot take away my reference point, the singularity of my mind; I insisted! She laughed at me, “Let’s see about that!”. Then my singularity was suddenly split into four, and my consciousness was in pieces. I was suddenly unsure where I was as I was everywhere – no focal point was left. I heard mad laughter. Then my consciousness was utterly shattered into millions of pieces, and I felt I would die. I decided at that point that, never again, I would do anything like this. This isn’t very pleasant, I want this to stop, and I want it to stop now! Please help me!
A bit later, the dream became more pleasant (after I had purged). Angel healers appeared around me (the retreat had energy healers that gave healing). I could see their energy meridians clearly in their bodies as bright blue lines which were pulsing Tibetan symbols through them. Electric blue ancient symbols flowed through the meridians when the angels healed me. My own body was also full of bright blue lines, and they were receiving these symbols. The symbols kept coming through the meridians, and they changed in the hand chakras, pulsed and danced. I thought this is beautiful; this is what healing looks like. Amazing.
I was really happy when it all was over. I told the retreat’s Shaman I preferred not to drink on the second night. He said I should participate, but I could decide whether to drink. I thought never again, although part of me was still thinking maybe, perhaps I will drink, but another part of me was still saying never, never again!
The evening arrived, and I decided I was ready for a second drink. I had become calmer and more grounded during the day. I decided that this time there was no other option than total surrender to the experience, to the spirit of Ayahuasca. I cannot control this experience; the only way to have a more pleasant night is to surrender. Easy? I had fleeting fears when the night got darker, but I loved them, accepted them and embraced them. Finally, I decided that there was no way for me to do this control thing anymore, and then the only way was to surrender and let go completely. I was ready to dissolve completely.
I got my drink and went and sat down. We were supposed to sit up and do healing chakra chanting throughout the first 30 minutes. I managed to sit for a while, but when the Ayahuasca entered me, I collapsed to the floor and purged in front of everyone. Luckily it all went into the bucket. I just loved it all. I was not worried I could not chant like the others, and I was just happily holding my bucket tightly and purging. I decided not to worry, love every second, surrender, and drop into the experience.
I saw the floor turning into fractal patterns. I just loved it; totally crazy. Then, the fear returned for a moment, and I started worrying if I would lose my mind completely. I then just loved that fear and dropped deeper. Then it happened. I dropped through the fractal patterns and landed in what might be called God-consciousness.
Suddenly everything was silent. I was in a golden space, in a golden space where there was nothing. There was nothing, just this golden space. I knew this was everything there was. This is all that there is; there is nothing more. This is the Godhead. It felt so beautiful; I felt a deep love, the deep oneness I had experienced. I felt at home.
Then the gold space started expanding, and forms were created out of that golden love. When I opened my eyes a bit later, everything I saw had seven-dimensional gateways around them. Each plant, animal or human being. Even crystals and Buddha statues had this gateway around them. This gateway was the way to access this golden love. I saw that everything was created from that golden love, and different levels of reality existed for each point of consciousness.
I saw that anger and frustrations were just love which is frozen, unable to flow. When there is no flow, humans experience it as a pain. I saw and understood why we are suffering. We are suffering, so we learn to find our way to love. If we resist the flow, resist the constant change by trying to control it, love is frozen, and we experience pain. Love can flow again through healing, releasing that frozen emotion, and the pain is removed. It all becomes clear to me. There is indeed nothing else than love.
I became a seven-dimensional Buddha sitting in the timeless now and observing how I create the entire multiverse. As we are all one, we all create. We are all timeless Buddhas creating the universes, dimensions and life. This might not look like it from the limited logical mind, but this is the spiritual truth. We are all Gods who are part of the flow of love, and we are here at the physical dimension, just learning more about love.
I spent a few days after that ritual in a total flow state. When I held my friend’s hand, she was filled with peace and light. I wish I would always be able to remain in that wonderful state of bliss as this would make healing work totally effortless and quick.
I learned from Mother Ayahuasca how important it is to surrender. Any negativity we experience is just frozen love and an opportunity to learn more about love. It is not about controlling life, it is about letting life flow, and as we let life happen without really planning it, we truly then become creators. We create with our hearts rather than our minds.
We create with intention originating from the heart as love and not with intention originating from the mind. Of course, the entire world is very stuck in a logical mindset. However, every person who is more connected with the power of the timeless feminine mind, which is hidden behind the logical, seemingly physical world, helps the entire world to increase its vibrations and make our world a bit more awakened. We awaken this world one step at a time, one little step at a time.
The world genuinely is what we think. And the more we surrender, the more we can actually create. It does defy logic, as feminine logic works differently. And the more we create, the closer we are to becoming just pure love. It is scientifically proven that the material world does not really exist; only the underlying wave motions do. These wave motions are the underlying feminine energy holding us, the Mother. The masculine energy we use to perceive the world sees everything in a way which is permanent. However, the truth is that everything is in constant change, in a constant flow. Nothing is static; nothing is physical; nothing is logical.
You cannot demand or ask for love. We cannot buy love. You can be love and give love; once you give love, then you shall receive love. This is the other teaching I received from Mother Ayahuasca. This is why the world is so imbalanced today, as everyone has their own limited worldview, and everyone demands everyone else subscribe to it. Each religion, each belief system even science demands you to subscribe to its masculine logic. Everyone has a logical solution; you will be saved if you do X, Y and Z! Everyone needs to let it be and surrender to the power of love and really not do so much. To surrender to feminine logic and start creating in a balanced and harmonious way.
Everyone has to start loving their friends, colleagues, families and everyone they meet. If we all love each other, the world is transformed into a beautiful place in an instant, as the shared consciousness will then evolve and change even the physical appearance of everything. We are not far away from this, and the fifth world age we live at this time is the world age we will experience this peace and unity consciousness again.